Introduction
We all want to feel good. When asked what they want for their children, most parents respond with some version of, “I just want them to be happy.” How do we become “happy?” First, we need to understand that happiness isn't a “giggle-all-day” feeling, or “never-feel-bad” feeling. Happiness is the lifelong sense that we are content with ourselves, that we can handle our emotions, and that we feel a sense of gratitude for being alive. And luckily, the field of positive psychology provides a growing body of research on this topic.
After I (Marcel) have spent 30+ years studying this topic, my current theory is that we need five “P’s” to find contentment: people, pride, purpose, pleasure, and physicality. Each of these deserves its own blog post, and perhaps I will do that, but today we want to focus on purpose. In fact, I just finished reading a book titled, “The Meaning of Your Life” by Arthur C. Brooks and have reflected on his discussion questions (I spend most mornings reading something related to my work while enjoying my morning cup of coffee). I believe these questions and concepts have relevance to teens and young adults who may feel a bit lost, slightly depressed, or somewhat anxious. Let’s take a look at what Brooks says.
“A journey of progress toward deep meaning is what it means to be a fully alive human being. To let meaning unfold before you is to make the most of every day—even the bad ones.” –A. Brooks
Perhaps we have created a world where our youth are made to feel separate in many ways from the real world. In classrooms, youth sit with closed windows memorizing facts that can seem unrelated to daily life. Their free time can be spent looking at artificial lives that may not really exist. We as parents try to protect them from the harms of this world with good intentions. We encourage them to focus on academics and sometimes forget about preparing them for future employment. In doing so, we may underestimate their ability to contribute. While some current theories on youth development state that a child does not contribute until adulthood, Matt and I disagree. Many young children want to be helpful by feeding their pet or sharing a hug when someone gets hurt. To them, a sense of contribution is critical to their sense of belonging, which is also a cornerstone of the 4-H youth development program.
Importance of Teaching Purpose
The 4-H program provides many opportunities for youth and adult volunteers to make a contribution and find purpose and meaning. For example, adults and teens can volunteer to help lead a 4-H project, and anyone can help a friend with a 4-H project or get involved in community service. Efforts like these help increase feelings of engagement and usefulness, in other words a sense of meaning. Having a sense of meaning expands beyond emotional health, and can also impact our physical health. Your cells literally need it to thrive.
Lack of purpose can sometimes make life feel pointless. Why bother with hard work? Why sacrifice for others? Lack of purpose can also make us feel anxious, sad, and lazy. When youth ask, “But why?” they may question how working hard and sacrificing for others fits their life purpose. How can adults support youth during these situations? Consider this example of an interaction between a parent and their son.
(parent) Son, you need to clean up your room!
(son) I don’t want to. Why should I?
(this is where you may need to pause and actually figure out the purpose)
(parent) Because if there is a fire or emergency, I cannot get to your bed safely. There are toys and legos all over the floor, and that could cause delays to my helping you. Also, the stack of dirty dishes means we do not have what we need to eat dinner as a family tonight. I need enough clean dishes so we can all enjoy dinner together. And if your cousin stays overnight this weekend, we need space for their sleeping bag. I need you to clean your room so you can be safe, be a part of family time, and enjoy seeing your cousin.
(son) Oh, ok.
That's a lot to say in the moment when you just want to scream, “Because I say so!” Providing purpose can help your child in the long run. Remember, we are hoping to raise children to eventually become independent adults, so teaching them life skills is one of the most important ways toward this goal.
Helping Youth Find Meaning and Purpose
Here are a few other ways to help youth find meaning and purpose:
- Do chores. Youth benefit from contributing to their own space and well-being. Taking care of ourselves and others is a critical element of finding purpose (and personal responsibility). Here are some examples:
- Expect youth to care for their own spaces: bathrooms, bedrooms, play areas, laundry, dishes and car back seats.
- Teach them the skills needed to contribute to family life, such as how to set the table before dinner
- Have certain chores that are not paid. This gives them a way to contribute to the family and thereby find purpose. Paid chores should be optional and additional.
- Start this at a young age, even 3 years olds can put away toys or put forks on the table. Contributing is how we work as a family and society. Everyone, at every age, can help.
- Volunteer. Encourage youth to complete a community project each year.
- Let them help come up with the idea to help foster a sense of meaning in the work they do.
- For younger youth, start by pointing out some issues you could help fix, things like a dirty park, or some bored dogs at the animal shelter.
- Brainstorm all the things they would like to do to make their neighborhood or town a better place.
- Guide them to a choice that seems doable.
- Make a plan together. List the first few steps. Set aside time to work on the first step together. Let them take the lead on any part that they are capable of doing (or of stretching to do). Be a mentor not a supervisor.
- Support employment. Encourage youth to find a part-time job when they turn 16.
- Youth can learn from hands-on work experience, earn income, and document their experiences on their resume. Working teaches life skills in ways that video games or scrolling social media cannot.
- Champion a youth’s passion (in 4-H we call them sparks).
- For example, if they worry about whales, encourage them to bring home some books on ocean acidification and how composting can help lower carbon emissions. Ask them to lead their family’s composting efforts.
- Promote optimism.
- Many youth can feel worried about the state of the world. Their social media feeds often show doomsday news. But in actuality, the world is the best it has ever been in many ways. Encourage them to make room for the positives in life. Consider sharing social media posts that highlight improvements and good news.
- Notice the positives in others, even more than the negatives. Parents should try to provide at least one positive note of feedback to their child daily. (See Carol Dweck’s book Mindset).
- Connect youth with something larger than themselves.
- For many this may mean religion, but it does not have to.
- Spend time in nature. Connection with the bigger world is important to well-being. Some countries even prescribe forest bathing for negative emotions.
- Encourage gratitude.
- Give thanks for the work others do.
- Give thanks for the good things that happen.
- Notice the luck/ blessings/ gifts of everyday life, like a flower blooming,a cat purring, or a sun setting.
- Encourage connection and service
- Ask “How can we help those around us?”
- “What would make someone’s life better?”
- “What can we do to improve things?”
- Help youth create life goals.
- Start conversations at the dinner table about what different majors in college and trade schools do. Print out college/trade school offerings and define and discuss the actual jobs and the societal problems they help solve.
- Ask the youth in your life “What problems do you want to help solve?” Not “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Shift the narrative to a purpose driven life.
- Validate negative emotions.
- Feelings of heartache, concern, and empathy are crucial emotions that fuel finding a sense of purpose. When your child comes with a negative emotion, don't dismiss or devalue it. Empathize with their experience and show them you care while being curious about where it originated and what they need.
- A happy life is not full of sunshine and rainbows. A happy life is one in which you can navigate all the crap that comes your way. Don’t shield your child from this. Show them how to work through it (eg. “Ugh, I am feeling really resentful right now because someone at work ate my lunch. I had to eat stale crackers instead. I think I need to go for a walk to get rid of some of this negative energy.” “The news today made me feel pretty hopeless. I need to do something positive. Let’s go clean up some trash at the park tonight so we can make a positive difference in our community.” “Can you blast some upbeat music? I need to dance off some of my anxiety/nervous energy?”)
- Name emotions. Studies show labeling emotions has a huge impact on emotional intelligence (your ability to regulate your emotion appropriately). Check out the book by Brenee Brown called “Atlas of the Heart” for a list of human emotions. I was stumped by the difference between envy and jealousy. Refer to it together when things are tough and try to come up with the right word. This can feel empowering.
- Promote healthy management of feelings. Hitting, misuse of alcohol/drugs, yelling, or destruction of self or others is never to be tolerated. Show them healthy ways to process their feelings (e.g. “I am concerned about you. Wannago hit the punching bag/chop some wood/crush some cans for recycling, scream out our favorite song as loud as we can/hike up a really tall hill?). Don’t shame someone for expressing their feelings, such as crying. Expressing feelings is how the body processes sadness and hurt.
- Encourage self reflection.
- Encourage your youth to talk through challenges and what they have learned from them.
- Provide only truthful, helpful feedback. Do not say something that isn't true (e.g. You are the best ever!) or isn’t helpful (“You should not have missed that shot”).
- Focus on improvement, not awards. The purpose of child development is to practice skills that will eventually lead to becoming a healthy adult. And unmet expectations, combined with self reflection, is an excellent teacher.
- Encourage age-appropriate autonomy.
- Adults cannot expect a teen to be fully protected from the world, then go off on their own into adulthood and know how to manage the ups and downs. Young people need to practice life skills. For most, age 17 may be a stage when parents can let young people be in charge of their lives, schedules, school work, and personal responsibilities. Promote confidence so that young people can figure out challenges on their own.
Get Started Today
So where do we go from here? Consider implementing one of these suggestions to start, then add more. If your primary goal is to have a “happy” child, then most of your effort as a parent should go towards teaching life skills and ways to manage feelings. Parents often get sucked into many priorities driven by school, sports, peers, or our child themselves. Pausing to reflect on what we can do to provide guidance and direction so that youth can find purpose in life may be one of the most important things we will ever do.
Reference
Brooks, A. C. (2026). The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness. Penguin.